Women’s Day has come and gone and the flags unfurled in our honour have been put back in their boxes. All the Spas and Free Makeover sessions been done and dusted with, I feel we need a few technological aids at our disposal to retain the sanity of this “Once-A-Year-Frenzy”. All you Elon Musks and Hawkings of the world, kindly pay heed.
1.A camera with an inbuilt projector embedded in the retina: This one’s especially for men with convenient short-term-memory loss, whenever they say that they have absolutely no recollection of agreeing to a particular thing. This blanket statement covers everything from agreeing to accompany you for the much awaited spa, visiting our cousin’s dog’s birthday and going to see Justin Bieber concerts. Just turn your steely gaze to a blank wall and replay that particular recorded incident with the date and time as irrevocable proof. Check and mate!!
2. A magnifying glass with a built-in laser: Using the same technology as Putin’s S-400 missiles, it will let you spot, target and destroy stray strands of hair that have the audacity to sprout overnight on your chin or upper lip. A zap a day keeps the razor away.
3. A pen with inbuilt darts: Handy when men talk over you, drowning out your views, or down to you, like you are an imbecile. Point the pen towards him and a tiny tranquilizer dart discretely flies out across and sticks them in the neck causing an immediate allergic reaction, at which point you can always smile sweetly and say, ‘Are you sure you are not allergic to your own bullshit?’
4. High heels with a button: So they turn into flats when required, like across gravelly paths and long hotel corridors. With another tap, the heel slides out again so you can glide into the party with your legs looking five inches longer as desired, throwing away the no-pain, no-gain adage, along with bunions and swollen ankles.
5. A weighing machine that can lie: Not big dramatic lies where you wonder if you have left Earth and are now under the moon’s gravitational pull; just small white lies, like a kilo or two here and there.
6. An implanted microchip: When desired, it will stop the frenzied stream of thoughts washing across our brain.‘Should I exchange that dress I got from Zara, from large to medium? Because I should be able to lose 5 kilos by next weekend or maybe I’d better wear it now before everyone goes and buys it. So how many calories did I eat for lunch, let me count …’
Women are capable of juggling multiple balls in the air, but perhaps it’s time to drop the one marked guilt.